


Himiko's Bizarre Adventures

by orphan_account



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Dangan Ronpa: Trigger Happy Havoc, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing, Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Despair (Dangan Ronpa), Coping, Dark Comedy, Drug Use, F/F, F/M, Homelessness, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Parody, References to Depression, Satire, The Tragedy of Hope's Peak Academy, Unhealthy Relationships, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-09
Updated: 2020-01-09
Packaged: 2021-02-27 07:46:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22183537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: You see, they used to tell you that once you get into Hope's Peak Academy, your future is sealed and you're bound to lead a successful life.Unfortunately, a lot of controversy has overtaken the school over the years. Apparently, they did a lot of bad stuff, ranging from committing property tax fraud to human trafficking and performing inhumane experimentation on their own students. The latter was just a rumor, probably.Follow Himiko Yumeno's disorienting journey through adulthood where she struggles alongside the rest of the graduates of Hope's Peak to even stay standing. They'll get their rights back one day.
Kudos: 3





	Himiko's Bizarre Adventures

**Author's Note:**

> ((this work of fiction is a shitpost/satire/spiritual successor to the 'angie works at _____' series and is not meant to be taken seriously. all spelling/grammar errors are intentional. the story varies in absolute garbage to slightly legible quality throughout the duration. it also contains potentially offensive content, so please be advised. enjoy.))

himiko was following her daily routine -- performing shows of street magic for money. she loved showing the world the fullest extent of her magical abilities, and the income she received kept her well-fed. (that was an optimistic term for occasionally starving and also homeless)

from the moment she first experienced her introduction to magic as a little girl to the moment she graduated hope's peak, she knew from start to finish that she wanted to become an incredible mage who brought smiles and happiness to people all around the world.

you see, they used to tell you that once you get into hope's peak academy, your future is sealed and you're bound to lead a successful life.

himiko remembered having a lot of good memories from her time at the school, not including some certain shitheads in her class that she'd prefer to go unnamed. but despite that, the goods generally outweighed the bads. she made plenty of lifelong friends, and it was nice to know that she wasn't alone in her grueling struggle to stay alive.

unfortunately, a lot of controversy has overtaken the school over the years. apparently, they did a lot of bad shit, ranging from committing property tax fraud to human trafficking and performing inhumane experimentation on their own students. the latter was just a rumor, probably.

and eventually it got pretty scary for the soon-to-be alumni of the academy. a lot of riots broke out and it was kinda difficult to keep under wraps. one day when the school was on lockdown, himiko remembered asking the upperclassmen kirigiri girl what administration was planning on doing. there was a lot of big words and no solid explanation other than the fact that her deadweight father walked out or something, and himiko just kinda disregarded it and went back to class.

what was once a prestigious academy that set you for life upon graduation became a ghetto shithole you'd want to keep as far away from your resume as possible. so much for all that tuition money that her parents took out of her and her sister's life savings.

"what do i do, harumaki?" the present-day himiko vented with a sad pout to her old high school friend who was currently trying to take someone's order at mcdonalds. "im not making enough to reach ends meet. nyeh.. is this the end of my magic career?"

"i don't know, yumeno." maki responded, sounding annoyed as she gave the customer change. "why don't you stop complaining to me and get a real fucking job like the rest of us?"

"hmm…" himiko took a sip of her tropical mcdonalds sprite.

after awhile, she decided that having an apartment would benefit her. it was cold in the winter and sleeping in the cold sucked.

she concluded that her current job wasn't cutting it and decided to get a second job. what could go wrong?

the mage, not magician, mage, walked around the city looking for work. finally, she stumbled upon a 'help wanted' sign for a store called target. she looked at the sign and decided she would ask the manager to hire her.

she took out her phone and maagicaally dialed her sister's number. she was always the reliable one and managed to stay on her two feet thanks to the tournament money she reeled in from playing in 'dota major leagues'

apart from being reliable, she also lucked out since her talent was relatively flexible and didn't require much real-life experience. it essentially narrowed down to being able to write competently so she could fill out contracts and have the mental willpower to consistently rock pushup bras and stream 40 hours a week in between.

the phone picked up, and himiko put it to her ear. "sis can u come pick me up please i need a lift to the store"

there was an audible sigh from the other line. "himiko i have a smash tournament in an hour i cant be your uber right now"

those fucking snake mains

"ok but those people smell. cmon chiaki pleeaaaassssssss"

"its a 40 minute drive and"

"ssssssssseeeeeeeeeeee-"

"okay, fine."

himiko got a lift from mcdonalds to the nearest target and she took out a glade air freshener from her hat and handed it to chiaki before she drove off.

she walked into the office and saw that one emo boy from high school.

"saihara is that u" she gasped. 

shuiccchi turned around on his spinny chair.

"oh hi yumenosan" he greeted. "how can i help u on this wonderful target day" he asked, smoking a blunt

"wait a minute i thought u were still trying to become a detective after graduation, what happened" she asked curiously, vaguely trying to inhale the MS.

"things change." he responded, turning away dramatically like a character from a john wick movie except set in texas. "once i believed myself to be the ultimate detective… but then i discovered my true calling; officially, i manage multiple big company branches around the world including but not limited to target, bestbuy, walmart--"

shuichi went on for a little longer, but all himiko could really think about was _'i wonder if hes still a cuck. oh jeez, is he still having that weird ass fling with ouma? nah.. he probably wouldn't be here if he was. ideally, he would've cucked himself so hard that he would have existed as only a fragment of his original being. should i ask him about it? but if i end up offending him, i won’t get the job. the job? wait, what am i doing here again?'_

"okay okay" himiko cut him off. "i was wondering if u would hire me. i need the money"

"hmm….. yeah, ok" shuicci threw her a uniform. "u start right away"

"nyeh thanks"

himiko's first five minutes of work went great. she walked around in her fancy new target uniform (her pants were ugly and she couldnt wear her hat but at least the shirt was red) and looked around the varying departments.

she was wondering how one store could have such a wide variety of sections. she wandered around the goth hot topic section and saw this girl in a black dress with an entire shopping cart filled entirely with chokers and skull rings. she never thought she would witness what a cart full of that would look like, but alas.

feeling black magic emit from the entire area, himiko didn't stay for long. she found herself wandering towards the electronics department, large television screens flashing in different colors easily drawing in her attention. she noticed a strange group of kids along with a.. mascot bear? talking in front of a tv. it looked completely natural, so she ignored it.

while she was there, she saw an argument brewing between a white haired weirdo and surprisingly, another high school friend.

"is that u, amamaimii?" himiko asked as she approach them. 

"oh" he turned to her. "hi yumeno. can you tell this guy that i have a sexier voice than him"

"nani?" hiniko asked, turning to the other guy whos name was nagijoe comeaidi or something.

"obviously hope my hope voice hope is hope more hope attractive hope than hope yours."

oh, wait a minute. she recognized that deranged speech pattern anywhere. she didn't formally know the boy, but she remembered chiaki bringing him over sometimes in the past. for why, she didn't really know.

himiko turned back to rantaro. "i know u grew weed in your backyard but i didnt know you started dealing it."

"yumeno that is discrimination to crackheads everywhere and i demand that you take ba-"

suddenly, rantaro was cut off as nagijoe uppercut his chin with a fist, sending him in the air. channeling his ki, he started flying. and rantaro flipped as he also channeled his ki and flew at level with nagijoe.

"in hope the hope name hope of hope hope i hope will hope slay hope you hope."

"bring it on, hopefreak."

at that, both of the boys flew up so high that they burst through the roof of the store. himiko looked up at the scene, unfazed as they continued their brawl elsewhere.

she was used to occurrences like this. with the tiniest amount of smoke she inhaled from shuichi's office, it got her high enough for this shit.

whatever did go down, however, still left a mess as well as police officers needing to restrain and escort the boys out of the premise. much to her irritation, she spent the next 20 minutes cleaning up rubble.

himiko continued patrolling the store until she found herself in the pharmacy section. there, she saw a girl with really crazy long punk hair standing with a blonde girl as they spoke to a purple haired medical girl at the counter.

it turned out that the iboukio girl had some adverse side effects from attending too many 'farm parties.' how did farm parties give a person drug-induced diseases? himiko didnt get it.

ibuki didnt have insurance and apparently the type of medicine they offered was still brand name so it was like 60,000 yen. the blonde called the pharmacist a stupid pigshit or something like that, but ibuki stayed cool and offered a card that would help pay for the medicine.

but it turns out there was a * on the card next to the big 'free medicine' advertisement, and basically it didn't cover anything. now the two girls started to get really mad, and the pharmacist started to cry, so thats when himiko realized she was a worker there and should probably do something.

she went to get a pharmacy manager and then the manager gave ibuki another card that gave a discount on the prescription up to 90%. so they calmed down until the corporate system reminded everyone that up to 90% was a range of values, including but not limited to 0%, and that was pretty important.

subsequently, ibuki and her friend stole the store's entire stock of toothpaste and squeezed it all out onto the bathroom floors.

himiko regretted ever doing her job.

she reached the fifth hour of her shift and she desperately wished she ignored maki and continued doing what she was doing.

she didnt know how much she was even being paid for this shit until she asked this one slim probably-not-boy person who worked in the technical department who politely informed her that it was probably below minimum wage.

the rest of the time was himiko restocking the shelves. for some reason, the stock mysteriously went missing every time she looked back to place down new items, but that's probably a plot for another chapter.

she finally finished up her shift and clocked out, feeling utterly exhausted. it was dark out by the time she left the store, and she was going home with about 4,000 yen. 8 hours did not equate to the nothing she received in return and she considered just returning to her usual street job.

'why don't you stop complaining to me and get a real fucking job like the rest of us?'

maki's words echoed in her head, himiko letting out a weak 'nyeh' in response to her thoughts as she stepped onto the bus to get home. (aka, her street tent.)

"hey, yumeno!" the bus driver called as himiko sleepily swiped her once a day bus pass.

"oh... momota, hi." she greeted halfheartedly. it was a once or twice a week thing where she would see kaito, one of her old classmates, behind the wheel for her ride home.

it was tragic where his dream of becoming an astronaut landed him, and it was hard not to feel sorry for him when the apprenticeship program dropped him at the first notice of the descent of hope's peak.

it wasn't entirely unwelcome, but sometimes he was in a much more talkative mood than she had any energy to be up for. she just had to hope--

"so what've you been up to?"

_pain._

she took a seat towards the front of the relatively empty bus and leaned her head against the glass of the window.

"just got a new job, i guess. i'm working at the target that saihara manages. or.. one of them?"

"oh man, really? that's great. i was really worried about you for awhile there. y'know, you were probably one of the worst cases of our class after graduation behind maybe, i don't know, yonaga and her jehovah witness shit."

_thanks, momota._

himiko shook her head. "last time we met up and i compared funds with her, her commissions still made more than my magic did regardless of how many doors she went to a day."

"oh. sounds rough." 

the silence after that was comfortable, but short lived.

"so uh, did you see harumaki today?"

she couldn't remember a time where she had a conversation with kaito in which maki wasn't brought up. she didn't understand any of what was going on between them. at first, they seemed to be really close. and then it turned into an on and off thing and there was word about pregnancy and restraining orders and a bunch of stuff like that.

well, the baby thing seemed pretty cool at least. maki refused to talk about the rumor and threatened to wring her neck if she ever brought it up around her again, but she guessed she would see in around 9 months.

she sighed, too tired to dodge this incoming hour-long conversation. "yes."

"oh! did she ask about me?"

"no."

"really?"

"yes."

"..."

"..."

"okay, but she honestly has no reason to be angry at me for something i--"

and before she knew it, she drifted off into a much-required nap to rejuvenate her MP.


End file.
